When loss meets loss: navigating death when a partner or loved one has dementia

Losing someone dear is always hard, but when the person you are caring for is living with dementia, grief often takes on new layers. Families face difficult choices: should you tell them, and how? Should they go to the funeral? Based on trusted sources and my experience as an independent funeral celebrant working in Bournemouth and Poole here is a compassionate guide for these delicate moments.

Understanding the challenge

As dementia progresses, comprehension wanes. In earlier stages, kind and clear reminders help, but later, repeating the news of a death can reopen fresh grief each time. This can be deeply distressing and offer little lasting comfort. In such cases, a soothing and indirect response, often called compassionate deception, followed by comforting distraction may be more humane.

Telling or not telling

• Earlier stages: Gently and honestly explain what happened. Avoid euphemisms like “gone to sleep” and be prepared to repeat the message with patience.

• Advanced stages: If they cannot retain or understand the news, consider softer language such as “he is not here right now” and focus on comfort, not information.

Attending the funeral or not

For someone in a dementia care facility or with profound cognitive decline, a full funeral may be overwhelming. Unfamiliar surroundings, emotional intensity, crowded spaces and disrupted routines can lead to agitation or confusion.

Choosing not to take them is not neglect, it is protection. Families should release any guilt, knowing their priority is the person’s emotional and physical wellbeing. Alternatives can still honour the moment:

• I can support you with a private bedside ritual such as lighting a candle

• Listening to a favourite song or looking through a photo album at home

• Coordinating a video tribute or short moment in their own environment

These options respect both the loss and the emotional fragility of dementia.

Involving them in a different way

If the person is able, involving them in a safe and supported way can still be meaningful. This might mean arriving just for a few minutes, having a dedicated carer with them, or attending a smaller memorial gathering instead of the main service. Even if they cannot recall the details later, the moment can still feel important in the present.

Supporting grief for them and for you

People with dementia may express loss through behaviour such as agitation, withdrawal or repeating questions. Validating their emotions, using reminiscence like photos, music or familiar scents, and gentle creative activities can bring comfort.

Caregivers’ grief matters too. Many experience anticipatory grief or feel overwhelmed. Journaling, joining support groups and practising self care are essential.

My support as your celebrant

Serving families across Bournemouth, Poole, Bodmin, Truro and Newquay, I understand how delicate these situations can be. Together, we can create a service tailored to honour your loved one with thoughtfulness and dignity, whether that is a quiet bedside moment, a memory filled gathering or a gentle inclusion during the service.

For compassion, professionalism and presence during this most tender time, contact me to book your family service or ask your funeral director to check my availability.

Support for dementia and bereavement in the UK

No one should have to navigate the challenges of dementia and bereavement alone. There are national organisations offering practical advice, emotional support and a listening ear when you need it most:

• Alzheimer’s Society – Practical guidance, emotional support and a Dementia Support Line. They also provide local dementia advisers and information tailored to each stage of the journey. alzheimers.org.uk

• Dementia UK – A national charity providing specialist Admiral Nurses who support families facing dementia. They can advise on care, communication, grief, and coping strategies. dementiauk.org

• Cruse Bereavement Support – The UK’s leading bereavement charity, offering free, confidential support to anyone experiencing grief, including when dementia is part of the picture. cruse.org.uk

If you are based in Dorset or Cornwall, many local dementia-friendly groups and carer networks can also offer community and companionship. Your GP, social worker or local council website can point you to nearby options.